Friday Confessions...

It's time again for Friday Confessions. This one is something I haven't shared with too many people, but I'm almost sure it affects many mothers and fathers these days. Today's confession is:

I feel guilty about going to work everyday, taking care of, spending long hours, and nurturing other people's children while my son is at home.

I'm almost in tears even typing it. First let me explain some things.... My son stays with my mom while I'm at work. It was a choice that I made and was blessed enough to have a wonderful mom who was willing to care for my little one each day. Although I work in one of the top early learning centers in my city, I understand the health issues and the number of children in the classrooms. I was worried about him getting sick more often because he would be in an environment with alot of different people at 6 weeks old. And I know how important having one on one time during the early years is for a child. Being 1 out of 10 infant/toddlers can mean that one on one may not happen as often. And let's face it, having my son in my class would have been very distracting...my attention would be totally on him. So for this and other reasons I asked if Milo could stay with his Nana :).

Some may wonder, "well you seem fine with your decision, it was your choice...why the guilt??". I wonder the same thing too at times. I know baby bear is in a safe place getting the absolute best care while I'm at work, but I think it's my line of work that causes some guilt to arise. I'm feeding another child, changing diapers, singing songs, dancing, laughing, consoling, discovering new things with 10 children who are not mine.  That and the fact that I'm his only parent. I (and I can't believe I'm disclosing this) feel sometimes that I have to over compensate as a single parent. I'm doing everything I can to protect him from feeling lack or a void from not having a father around right now. And when I leave him to go and feed, change, play, interact with another person's child, most times it doesn't feel right. I think I kiss him 10 times before I leave the house, and I always tell him I love him, even though he  is usually asleep (lol). But the minute I'm in my car, and this hasn't changed from my very first day back to work, I cry just a little. I would love to be able to stay and care for him all day.

I don't know if I will always feel this way. It may ease up as Milo gets older or as I began to expand my career to the point where I am able to work flexible hours or even from home. And of course, I know God has an amazing man out there for me who will love my son just as much as I do. But I think it's ok to admit that I can't always wear my "cape" and as a mother I sometimes feel like I'm not reaching the bar.

I'm not even sure how to end this post, I feel totally exposed at the moment. Maybe the best way would be to end with a picture of my greatest blessing :)

He LOVES Cheerios! lol

And his Cinci Reds baseball cap (Thanks Big Bear!)